Insidious is not a word that usually comes to mind when think of community association living. But then again, we don't generally think of any insidious phenomena around us as being insidious. Need an example? While majority of Americans struggle with weight issues, the weight gain itself is completely insidious; it creeps up an ounce at a time. The same goes for aging—no one looks vastly different from one day to another, but if you compare photographs of the same person taken 10 years apart, the effects of aging are apparent and pronounced.

As insidious social phenomena go, gossiping and its effects can likely grab the top spot of affecting our lives and judgment in insidious ways. All of us live in a culture that has institutionalized gossiping through many channels. Consider the many news and entertainment programs that are based on gossiping, particularly where celebrities are concerned. Think of "Extra," "Entertainment Tonight," and

But consider, on the other hand, the average community association, which is not exactly overrun by celebrity residents. Or are they? The truth is that gossiping has very deep roots and is an omnipresent problem, even in community associations. One does not have to be a celebrity to become a gossip target, and gossiping is quite commonplace in community associations.

It is noteworthy, that while most people believe that gossiping has a somewhat negative connotation or undertone, social scientists are divided in their view of the social roles and functions of gossiping. Some argue that gossiping plays a potent part as a mechanism for social control, especially by people who are underprivileged, disenfranchised, and have no recourse to other forms of social control or influence. This is the most charitable and positive view of gossiping, and is indeed the case in some instances. But these explanations are not the primary reason why gossiping flourishes.

Gossiping appeals to people on a deep psychological level because it provides access to restricted information, feeding a person's sense of exclusivity. Gossiping taps into that inherent delight of being let in on a secret. It helps build a sense of closeness and intimacy between the parties that share the gossip. It makes people feel special. When this happens, it usually occurs in seemingly innocuous, unnoticeable ways. Rarely does anyone consciously think that being let in on gossip singles out the individual as someone whose innermost psychological yearnings are being tapped. No, most people don't think in those terms, just as (hypochon- driacs aside) most people do not concern themselves on a minute-by- minute basis whether their hearts and other vital organs function properly.

Humanity has had a long-standing and ongoing concern about gossiping, as evidenced by taboos and prohibitions against gossiping making an appearance in sometimes unexpected quarters. Just as pride is deemed to be a sin for Christians, gossip is deemed sinful for Buddhists. In the Buddhist tradition, people who pledge to become nuns or monks must renounce their proclivities toward gossiping. They must also commit to monitoring themselves so they are never caught up in the act of gossiping. Monitoring is necessary in this context because gossiping is, by nature, so insidious; it just creeps up into our behavioral patterns to the extent that we might engage in it without realizing we are actually gossiping.

I was struck by the insidious power of gossiping during a recent conversation with a good friend and neighbor of mine. My friend spoke with active conviction about the misdeeds of another family that lives in my Boston neighborhood, in a condominium building a few doors down. I know this family well—let's call them Nadirs—and have been a guest in their home a number of times, a fact that my friend and neighbor—let's call her Martha—did not know.

The Nadirs have acquired a sort of notoriety in our neighborhood, largely through no fault of their own. The source of the difficulties can be traced to the fact that starting in the month immediately after they moved in and persisting to present day, their condominium association has been embroiled in litigation. But to blame them for this litigation is tantamount to blaming Pearl Harbor for just being geographically located where it was on December 7, 1945. It is not a direct cause-and-effect relationship. In fact, the Nadirs' story and the conflict surrounding it is so noteworthy that it deserves a separate article on its own. There are at least two sides to every story, and I happen to know the facts from more than one perspective in this particular case. According to the neighborhood lore, however, the Nadirs are universally repulsive individuals who deserve to be shunned.

The neighbors who spread the gossip about the Nadirs are old-timers in the neighborhood, with established credibility, if only because they have lived in the neighborhood longer than the Nadirs and are a ready access to the social network because of their long-standing ties. Painting the Nadirs in a negative light was not a very difficult proposition, especially since the latter are de facto denied access to the neighborhood network or grapevine.

On a recent evening, as Martha and I were chatting, somehow the conversation turned to the Nadirs. Martha started telling me a series of simultaneously engrossing and disgusting tales about the Nadirs' various misbehaviors, which were resulting in bringing down the image and quality of life of our idyllic neighborhood. If I were to believe these tales (none of which have been part of the legal dispute), Mrs. Nadir was busy spreading dog waste on unsuspecting neighbors' gardens, was not an engaged parent, was abusive of their giant dog ... and the list of transgressions continued on and on.

As I listened to Martha's tales, I caught myself in the realization that I know the Nadirs, that I had been welcomed into their home, which is better described by the word

She paused, and then answered, "No."

But she added in her chirpy and energetic manner that yet another neighbor who lived a few doors down the street had either witnessed those behaviors or had

I said to Martha, "All this is nothing more than hearsay and gossip. And I am actually shocked that a discerning person like you would just repeat these alleged transgressions as fact." Then I disclosed that I actually knew the Nadirs and was friendly with them.

A heavy silence descended.

Finally Martha said, "Actually, you are right."

If my friend Martha, one of the most well-meaning and helpful people I know, could recycle malicious gossip without paying heed to what she was doing, then so can most of us. In this case, I was in a position to confront Martha only because we are close friends, I had the comfort level that allowed me to confront her, and I knew the facts related to Nadirs. Had I not had that information at hand, it might have been easy to trust what Martha was saying and, in fact, to internalize the information about the Nadirs. Worse yet, I might have been tempted to contribute to spreading the unfounded gossip myself. It would be easy precisely because engaging in gossiping is so insidious.

In the end, can we eradicate des- tructive gossiping? No. But can we raise our awareness and sensitivity toward it? Absolutely. So the next time you are partaking in the exchange of juicy gossip, try to remind yourself that the information you are passing on might not be true and might not represent the whole story. Be conscious of the fact that you may not understand all the gossip motivators that are in play. As a rule of thumb, where gossiping is concerned, there is no harm in taking the infor- mation being delivered with a grain of salt or engaging in a bit of personal fact-checking before making judgment calls or jumping to conclusions. It never hurts to ask the storyteller if he or she is privy firsthand to the information he or she is sharing. If each and every one of us takes the time to do this, we will decrease our susceptibility to believing in the gossip wholesale. And ultimately, controlling our impulses to generate or spread gossip will contribute to greater peace and harmony in community associations across the country.